*I’ll save you time and tell you this is going to be long in advance. You’re welcome*
Happy. I can finally say that word without being afraid it’ll disappear before it even slips out between my lips.
I can say, that almost after forever and a half, I am genuinely happy.
You know it’s weird in retrospect. I started writing because it was the only thing I could use to escape from a life that drowned me on the daily, in self loathing and doubt. On more than one account, I didn’t think I was cut out for this game called life, and thought that throwing in what cards I had left would make everyone else in my life happier. I truly bought into the idea that, at least, if I could stop being a problem in my loved one’s lives, I would have at done one thing right. I spent countless nights lying in the comfort of the corner of my dark closet, with my tear streaked face buried deep into the carpet, choking on words that wouldn’t come out. I kept wishing, praying, and hoping, that if I lay still enough, if I just stayed quite enough, that it would all be over.
But I didn’t. Some irritatingly stubborn human part of me wouldn’t let the flame go out, and desperately fanned it alive with a tiny little sliver of hope. No matter how hard I wanted to let go, I couldn’t. Funny thing is, if you ask anyone who knows me, I don’t think they would have realized I was dealing with any of this (minus one special person – you know who you are and man I will never not appreciate you).
It’s taken a lot for me to come to the point where I can comfortably talk about this part of my life, but being able to face it helped me find myself again. The real version of me. The version that I had thought had vanished forever.
Fast forward and summer has arrived, and three months, eight states, and one season of WOD later, I’m still here, and as cheesy as this sounds, better than ever.
New people, new places, new memories and a new mindset on a final year has brought me today, and god, have I been oblivious to all the things I could’ve been smiling about before.
24 hours of being happy. 24 hours of little things falling so perfectly into place. 24 hours of unpacking hidden smiles. 24 hours of realizing who I do want in my life. 24 hours of raw, unfettered, appreciation.
Today, I remembered what it feels like to have your cheeks ache with pure laughter. What it feels like to have your heart beat to surprises. What the world sounds like at 11 pm, when the moonlit streets glimmer with busy gas-related chatter and strawberry colored tail lights. I remembered what it feels like to be content with life for just one moment.
I am a work in progress, and I know I still have a hell of a way to go. But I’ve found people who I know will make this journey exciting. People who make me feel less alone; people who make me appreciate myself and my work even when I’ve given up on both. These are the kinds of people in your life that you don’t notice, but are the true silver lining to your happiness.
I am a work in progress.
But I can finally say wholeheartedly, that I am a happy work in progress.